Steven Wright Quotes — A Complete List of Funny Quotes by Steven Wright
Here are the Steven Wright Quotes:
- “7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot” — by Steven Wright Quotes on statistics.
- “Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.” — by S.W.
- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
- “I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.” — Steven Wright Quotes on irony
- “I had amnesia once or twice.”
- Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I’d be the only one who knew. People come over and I’m gonna say, “Go ahead, touch it…it feels real.”
- The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
- If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?”
- After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
- I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You’d think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
- “OK, so what’s the speed of dark?” — Steven Wright Quotes on physics.
- When I was eight, I played Little League. I was on first; I stole third; I went straight across. Earlier that week, I learned that the shortest distance between two points was a straight line. I took advantage of that knowledge.
- “The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.” — Steven Wright Quotes funny on Biology.
- “When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.”
- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
- One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
- Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
- “All the plants in my house are dead—I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with an ice cube.”
- Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.
- “I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, ‘Steven, time to go to sleep.’ I said, ‘But I don’t know how.’ She said, ‘It’s really easy. Just go down to the end of tiredness and hang a left.’ So I went down to the end tired, and just out of curiosity, I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said ‘I thought I told you to go to sleep.’”
- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
- “I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at me and said, ‘Hey, you have two different colored socks on.’ I said, ‘Yeah, I know, but to me, they’re the same because I go by thickness.’”
- My mechanic told me, “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
- “One time, a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, ‘Didn’t you see the stop sign?’ I said, ‘Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read.’”
Bonus fact:
Steven Wright’s middle name is “Alexander.” He was born in 1955 on 6th December in Cambridge, Massachusetts, USA. To the reader’s surprise, he is part Scottish and part Italian.
- “When I get really bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I’m leaving.”
- When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, “Did you sleep well?” I said, “No, I made a few mistakes.”
- “The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.”
- “Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.”
- If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
- “To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.”
- “Change is inevitable….except from vending machines.”
- “When I was a kid, we had a sandbox. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child…eventually.”
- You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.
- The judge asked, “What do you plead?” I said, “Insanity, your honor, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?”
- . I have an answering machine in my car. It says, “I’m home now. But leave a message and I’ll call when I’m out.”
- “Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.”
- “If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.”
- “There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.”
- “Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?”
- “I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.”
- “Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.”
- When I have a kid, I wanna put him in one of those strollers for twins, then run around the mall looking frantic.”
- Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
- “I just found out I have an IQ of 208, and I don’t know what that means.”
- Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
- “I have an existential map; it has ‘you are here’ written all over it.”
- “I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was ‘woman.”
- “I was in a grocery store. I saw a sign that said ‘pet supplies.’ So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said, ‘Compact cars.”
- All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
- “You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.”
- “The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.”
- “Hermits have no peer pressure.”
- “My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.”
- “Imagine Pulitzer prizefighting.”
- “I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.”
- “What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?”
- Borrow money from pessimists — they don’t expect it back.
- “My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.”
- “How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?”
- “Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?”
- “It is like putting a dehumidifier and a humidifier in the same room and letting them fight it out.”
- “Light travels faster than sound. Isn’t that why people appear bright before you hear them speak? ”
- “Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.”
- “I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.”
- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
- “Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?”
- “I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.”
- I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I’m the only one moving.
- “Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?”
- “In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Madagascar. She said, ‘Cut it out.’”
- “Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as ‘4’s’?”
- I intend to live forever … So far, so good.
- “My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.”
- He was a multi-millionaire. Wanna know how he made all of his money? He designed the little diagrams that tell which way to put batteries in.
- “Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.”
- “What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?”
- “You know, the New Testament is pretty old. I think they should call them the Old Testament and the Most Recent Testament.”
- I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot step ladder with a coat hanger. – Steven Wright Quotes on profession
- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
- “I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was ‘woman.”
- “I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.”
- I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
- “The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.”
- “If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?”
- A friend of mine once sent me a postcard with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”
- I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at me and said, “Hey, you have two different colored socks on.” I said, “Yeah, I know, but to me they’re the same because I go by thickness.”
- If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
- “They say the universe is expanding. That should help ease the traffic.”
- “You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment and nobody else shows up and you think maybe that’s part of the experiment? I’m like that all the time.”
- If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
- “You can’t have everything… where would you put it?”
- “Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.”
- “What is another name for a Thesaurus?”
- 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
- I bought a dog the other day…I named him Stay. It’s fun to call him…”Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!” He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.
- I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, ‘Got any shoes you’re not using?’
- “I donated my body to science…fiction.”
- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
- “Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.”
- Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
- Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates… When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, ‘Do I know you?’
- Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
- You can’t have everything. Where would you put it? – Steven Wright quotes best motivation source.
- One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him.
- It seems like we wake up and it’s a race until you get to bed. It gets to you after a while and you think, ‘What the hell am I doing?
- I haven’t changed at all. I’m the same as when I was 11.
- I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
- I wear a hat on stage so that people won’t be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don’t wear a hat, there’s no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.
- I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ….. But she left me before we met.
- I invented the cordless extension cord.
- My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It’s in an apartment somewhere.
- In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
- If you want the rainbow, you have to put up with the rain.
- To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It’s commenting or observing or twisting life.
- I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
- There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
- I like George Carlin’s jokes. I like his humor. He’s one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things.
- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
- When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, ‘Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.’
- What I like about the jokes, to me it’s a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won’t be funny.
- I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.
- I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
- I have the world’s largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world… perhaps you’ve seen it.
- I bought my brother some gift-wrapping for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
- My neighbor has a circular driveway… he can’t get out.
- I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.
- I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. “We’re surrounded.”
- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
- If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
- A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, “Why were you going so fast?” I said, “See this thing my foot is on? It’s called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it.”
- I have a map of the United States…actual size. It says, “Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.” I spent last summer folding it. I also have a full-size map of the world. I hardly ever unroll it.
- I woke up one morning and looked around the room. Something wasn’t right. I realized that someone had broken in the night before and replaced everything in my apartment with an exact replica. I couldn’t believe it…I got my roommate and showed him. I said, “Look at this–everything’s been replaced with an exact replica!” He said, “Do I know you?”
All Quotes Credit — Steven Wright (Quotes)
