Sometimes when we’re peeved, our minds can go to some pretty dark places. If you can dig up some dark humor while you’re there, you’ll feel much better! We’ve compiled a list of good roasts and comebacks to mutter under your breath the next time someone pisses you off. Whether you’ve gotta deal with kids who just won’t put their crap away or need an office joke for that coworker who drives you crazy, there’s something on this list for every situation. Continue repeating this list until you’re done.
Or, you could wait until there is a confrontation before getting a chance to have a go at these. There’s no better roast than a roast between good friends, and this is most definitely a list from which you can bounce off each other. AndIf you don’t have any friends, you can always get up and practice for your appearance on Comedy Central Roast. Or pretend you’re on an episode of RuPaul’s Drag Race and you just spit back an already iconic burn. A girl can dream, right?
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Reminder: Moms, especially, need to let off steam occasionally.), bullying or being mean isn’t cool. Save these roasting jokes and comebacks for the privacy of your own home, or for people who’ll understand that they’re just that — jokes. Their hilarity and humor will be appreciated much more that way.
Read on to learn some of the best roasts and insults that will get you through a day where you don’t feel like being as sweet as a Georgia peach.
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1. 1.If I throw a stick at you, will it make you go?
2. You’re a gray sprinkle on a rainbow cupcake.
3. If your brain was dynamite, there wouldn’t be enough to blow your hat off.
4. Unsalted pretzels are worse than a disappointing one.
5. Light travels faster that sound. This is why you looked bright up until you spoke.
6. We were happily married for one month, but unfortunately, we’ve been married for 10 years.
7. Your child is so annoying that he makes Happy Meal scream.
8. Your teeth are so crowded that your tongue looks like it’s in jail.
9. I will keep your secrets secure. When you tell me your secrets, I won’t even hear them.
10. I’ll never forget the first time we met. But I’ll keep trying.
11. I forgot that the world revolves about you. My apologies! It was so silly of me.
12. I only take you everywhere I go just so I don’t have to kiss you goodbye.
13. Keep still. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
14. OurYour brain must have been stolen by your kid! I still have mine.
15. Onions cry when you look at them.
16. My husband would never get hurt in an activity if the TV explodes.
17. You look so pretty. It’s not at all gross.
18. It’s impossible to underestimate you.
19. Her teeth were so bad, she could eat an entire apple through a fence.
20. I’m not insulting you; I’m describing you.
21. I’m not a nerd; I’m just smarter than you.
22. Don’t be ashamed of who you are. That’s your parents’ job.
23. Your face is just fine, but we’ll have to put a bag over that personality.
24. You bring everyone so much joy… when you leave the room.
25. Today, I thought of you. It reminded me of the importance of taking out the trash.
26. Don’t worry about me. Do not worry about your eyebrows.
27. You are the human equivalent of period cramps.
28. If you’re going to be two-faced, at least make one of them pretty.
29. You are like the cloud. When you disappear, it’s a beautiful day.
30 I’d rather treat my baby’s diaper rash than have lunch with you.
31. Don’t worry — the first 40 years of childhood are always the hardest.
32 32.
33. I love what you’ve done with your hair. How can you get your hair to flow out of your nostrils this way?
34. 34. IT SPEAKS
35 “Check your lipstick before you come for me.” — Naomi Smalls, RuPaul’s Drag Race
36. “It looks like she went into Claire’s Boutique, fell on a sale rack, and said, ‘I’ll take it!’” — Bianca Del Rio, RuPaul’s Drag Race
37. “Is your ass jealous of the amount of shit that comes out of your mouth?” — Jamie McGuire, Beautiful Oblivion
38. “Go back to Party City, where you belong!” — Phi Phi O’Hara, RuPaul’s Drag Race
39. “Where’d you get your outfits, girl, American Apparently Not?” — Trixie Mattel, RuPaul’s Drag Race
40. “Impersonating Beyoncé is not your destiny, child.” — RuPaul, RuPaul’s Drag Race
41 “Don’t get bitter, just get better.” — Alyssa Edwards, RuPaul’s Drag Race
42 Child, I’ve forgotten more than you ever knew.
43. It is possible that this is why the middle fingers were invented.
44 44.
45 I see no evil, and I definitely don’t hear your evil.
